Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep...

There are times that I contemplate about my own death. I know that may sound morbid or sick, but I think that we all think about that at one time or another. I don't dwell on it all the time but it does cross my mind. I don't know why, perhaps it could be because of all the deaths and murders I see on the news. I wonder what would happened if the local news didn't report the recent murders and deaths, would we get more sports coverage?

I wonder how I will die. I know it's going to happen, unless the rapture takes place before then. There is a chance though that I will die and I wonder how and what state of mind will I be in. I hope it is not some long lingering disease in which which it drains the life out of my family, friends and myself. I don't want that. I hope it is just quick and somewhat painless. I hope that I am happy when I die, and not sad and lonely.

In less than twelve hours I will be attending a funeral for a friend that I went to high school and junior college with. Unfortunately we have lost contact over the past twenty two years or so and I feel sad about that. I went through a lot with him during our high school and junior college years. I talked to a mutual friend last night that caught me up on his life. David was an honors student and had a bright future, I'm not sure his life was ended up like he had planned, but it's that way with quite a few of us. It sounds like he might of died lonely in his heart, even though he died of a sudden heart attack while mowing his lawn. I wish I would of kept in contact with him. I really don't know how I will be when I see him laying in the casket. It will be difficult, even though I know he was a fellow believer in Christ. I wonder if he died of loneliness. I wish I could of been a friend to him his last years. It makes me sad. I don't want to die of loneliness.

I can only imagine how Christ must of felt His last hours here on earth as a man. He knew what was ahead of him and it must of been painful and lonely. The tension He must of felt when he was praying in the Garden of Gethseneme, the agony, pain and loneliness so painful He sweated blood while He was praying to His Father. I can not even imagine the hurt in the heart of Jesus during those lingering hours when He was arrested for no reason other than claiming that which He was. The sadness of His heart must of been intense when His closest friends turned their backs on him. While He was being led to His death He had to of had an excruciating pain in His heart. I can just hear the loudness of His voice in my ears while they drive the nails in His hands and feet to the cross. I look up and see His tears stream down from His face that is covered with sweat and blood, the blood as a result of the crown of thorns placed on his brow. My eyes gaze upon Him and see how He is lonely because He is separated from His Father because of my sins. His death resulted in giving me life. He died in order that I will not be lonely. His resurrected body brings me victory over death. I believe will all of my soul that He is the Savior of the world. He is the Messiah, the Son of God.

I have been to my fair share of funerals. I worked at one of the largest funeral homes in the nation for a couple of recent years and attended funerals of those that I did not know. One funeral I was in charge of was this older woman who had no family or friends, the funeral home that had taken care of her body was just going to come and bury her with no service. I went to the graveside to give my respects to this women before the workers lowered her casket into the earth. I did not know her, but I knew that her life had a story to tell and yet there was no one there to tell it, she died alone and lonely. No family or friends there to say a word, just me as I stood there while they were lowering the casket wondering how I would die.

It really does not matter how or when it will happen. I know it will. I picture myself as an old bachelor in a small house in the mountains laying in my bed, looking out the window mezmerized by the beauty of the blanket of dark blue skies with the sparkling lights of the star that are making their appearances. As I lay there looking, I am happy inside because I know that my two sons are happy with their families. I am content knowing that I lived a rich and full life, blessed because my life was enriched with all the treasures of friendships I had over my years. Peaceful because I have the peace in my heart that when my old body is through, my life will continue in heaven because I believed and accepted my Christ as my Lord and Savior. I envision myself falling asleep on that night just to awaken to my eternal home in Heaven. I know that then I will never be lonely. I will be more alive than I ever been, because of the pain and lonliness that Jesus went through for me. For now though, I must live for Him.

Now I lay me down to sleep I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.

Being Robin

I wonder about the reason for my existence sometimes as I look back over the past 40 years. My earliest memories were those of wonderment. The biggest stress I had was if I was going to get to be Batman instead of Robin. You see my best friend/next door neighbor, Jason, was about ten months older than myself, so according to his rules he was always Batman and I was the Boy Wonder, I still am.

You see Robin never quite made it. He was always number two. He was always almost there, but Batman always saved the day. It’s the way I see myself at times. Almost there, but never quite made it, I’m still Robin.

I remember lying in my bed as a young boy wondering what I would be when I was older. I dreamed of having a wife, several kids and a big two-story house like the Cleavers on Leave it to Beaver. It seemed like a logical dream, I knew I would go to college, have a great career, somehow have a wife and kids and live a fairy tale life where if I had a problem it would get solved within an hour (about forty three minutes not counting commercials). I had a hazy view of the reality of life, or maybe just an innocent view of life.

What happens between the innocence of youthful dreams and reality of life? Where do those young boy dreams go too? I see that some people have their dreams become reality; I wonder what that is like. I almost had it, or at least I thought I did on the surface, until my life was murdered. Murdered by bad choices in life, murdered by the consequences of life. I guess in some ways it was a suicide and not quite murder. Ok, so I turned the shot gut to my own face and blew it off, yet why did I? I can sit here for hours trying to figure that part out, and believe me I have before, only to get me more suicidal about life. It’s enough to drive someone insane. Maybe insanity isn’t that bad, at least you don’t have to deal with the pain and loneliness of life.

“You have to lose your life to gain it.” For some reason that verse comes to my mind. I have lost a lot over the past several years. I lost my reputation with some, I’ve lost my house . I’ve lost material possessions that I worked for. I’ve lost friends over the years because of the breakup of my marriage. Ironically, I’ve gained my life back though. I may not have the house right now, but I have a home that when I am with my two sons I am their dad and they are my kids and this is their home with me. It’s full of love, transparency and acceptance. No one has too pretend that you have to put on your mask of pretending who you are in this home. I’ve gain the best friends that I have could ever ask for. These are true friends that genuinely care about you and are so real about their faith, life and they are authentic people. After years of unforgiveness to myself, I found myself being free of my guilt over the past, not because I was innocent, but because of redemption. I’ve gained myself.

I think Hollywood has done mankind a terrible disservice because being Robin isn’t so bad after all, and Leave It to Beaver is fake anyway. What mom wears pearls while she cooks, cleans and takes care of her family? That’s not reality. Real life happens when we experience pain, the pain of sin, the pain of loneliness, the pain of being hurt, the joy of forgiveness the joy of healing, the joy of redemption, the joy of community with God the Trinity and the joy of community with others.

I think the Bible shows us how life really is. Look at the life Christ lived. He never had a house, but wherever He was He made others feel at home. He didn’t have an SUV, yet his travels changed the face of humanity. His closest friends disappointed him, yet he bridged the relational gap between humanity and the Father.

Several years ago I flew to San Antonio to perform the wedding of the brother of my best friend Jason (Batman). Jason and his family were there to meet me at the airport and there Jason stood holding a sign (like those the chauffeurs use) that said “Robin” we all laughed. I’m still Robin.

You know I’m glad that I’m still Robin, because I’m still learning a lot about life. I haven’t quite made it and I’m glad because it keeps me searching for more. I have not settled for resting on what little knowledge I have. I am showed daily that God is not through working in and through me. I still lie in bed at night sometimes thinking about those innocent childhood dreams and they are still there, my life is not yet over.