I wonder about the reason for my existence sometimes as I look back over the past 40 years. My earliest memories were those of wonderment. The biggest stress I had was if I was going to get to be Batman instead of Robin. You see my best friend/next door neighbor, Jason, was about ten months older than myself, so according to his rules he was always Batman and I was the Boy Wonder, I still am.
You see Robin never quite made it. He was always number two. He was always almost there, but Batman always saved the day. It’s the way I see myself at times. Almost there, but never quite made it, I’m still Robin.
I remember lying in my bed as a young boy wondering what I would be when I was older. I dreamed of having a wife, several kids and a big two-story house like the Cleavers on Leave it to Beaver. It seemed like a logical dream, I knew I would go to college, have a great career, somehow have a wife and kids and live a fairy tale life where if I had a problem it would get solved within an hour (about forty three minutes not counting commercials). I had a hazy view of the reality of life, or maybe just an innocent view of life.
What happens between the innocence of youthful dreams and reality of life? Where do those young boy dreams go too? I see that some people have their dreams become reality; I wonder what that is like. I almost had it, or at least I thought I did on the surface, until my life was murdered. Murdered by bad choices in life, murdered by the consequences of life. I guess in some ways it was a suicide and not quite murder. Ok, so I turned the shot gut to my own face and blew it off, yet why did I? I can sit here for hours trying to figure that part out, and believe me I have before, only to get me more suicidal about life. It’s enough to drive someone insane. Maybe insanity isn’t that bad, at least you don’t have to deal with the pain and loneliness of life.
“You have to lose your life to gain it.” For some reason that verse comes to my mind. I have lost a lot over the past several years. I lost my reputation with some, I’ve lost my house . I’ve lost material possessions that I worked for. I’ve lost friends over the years because of the breakup of my marriage. Ironically, I’ve gained my life back though. I may not have the house right now, but I have a home that when I am with my two sons I am their dad and they are my kids and this is their home with me. It’s full of love, transparency and acceptance. No one has too pretend that you have to put on your mask of pretending who you are in this home. I’ve gain the best friends that I have could ever ask for. These are true friends that genuinely care about you and are so real about their faith, life and they are authentic people. After years of unforgiveness to myself, I found myself being free of my guilt over the past, not because I was innocent, but because of redemption. I’ve gained myself.
I think Hollywood has done mankind a terrible disservice because being Robin isn’t so bad after all, and Leave It to Beaver is fake anyway. What mom wears pearls while she cooks, cleans and takes care of her family? That’s not reality. Real life happens when we experience pain, the pain of sin, the pain of loneliness, the pain of being hurt, the joy of forgiveness the joy of healing, the joy of redemption, the joy of community with God the Trinity and the joy of community with others.
I think the Bible shows us how life really is. Look at the life Christ lived. He never had a house, but wherever He was He made others feel at home. He didn’t have an SUV, yet his travels changed the face of humanity. His closest friends disappointed him, yet he bridged the relational gap between humanity and the Father.
Several years ago I flew to San Antonio to perform the wedding of the brother of my best friend Jason (Batman). Jason and his family were there to meet me at the airport and there Jason stood holding a sign (like those the chauffeurs use) that said “Robin” we all laughed. I’m still Robin.
You know I’m glad that I’m still Robin, because I’m still learning a lot about life. I haven’t quite made it and I’m glad because it keeps me searching for more. I have not settled for resting on what little knowledge I have. I am showed daily that God is not through working in and through me. I still lie in bed at night sometimes thinking about those innocent childhood dreams and they are still there, my life is not yet over.
