Unfinished Business

I'm a procrastinator by fault. I am working on being better about it but I just keep putting it off. Don't laugh you probably do the same thing too. You know the procrastinators' motto, "Why do today what you can put off till tomorrow." Unfortunately being a procrastinator has many downfalls, more downfalls than benefits it seems.

One of the problems with being a procrastinator is all the unfinished business that is left undone. I search within myself to find out the reason I do this when I know it is much better to take care of business at the appropriate time rather then putting it on the back burner. There are several reasons I have come up with for myself. Fear of failure: afraid of doing it wrong and failing. Fear of rejection: saying some vulnerable things to someone, opening up my heart to someone just to be rejected by them. Fear of reality: thinking that if I don't have to deal with the situation it will go away and I will not have to face up to it, which is a false idea.

I have a fear which is I will leave a plate full of unfinished business behind if something was to happen to me and God takes me home. I'm not talking about dirty laundry or dirty dishes in the sink; I keep up with that pretty good. Unfinished business with relationships: words that need to be spoken, feelings that need to be shared and expressed, and actions that need to be taken. The fears that I have drawn me to retreat though and it is often lonely at times.

Am I being a coward? Perhaps so, but I like to think of it as self-preservation. Building up walls to avoid hurt and pain that accompanies the loss of a hope, the death of a dream. It's somewhat ironic that one will create his own pain to avoid the pain that is the result an action or denial of another party. I continue though to use the excuse of self preservation which in turn leads to unfinished business in my life. I have learned from experience that a guarded heart hurts as bad and perhaps even worse as a wounded heart. Yet at least the source of the pain is from myself and not the result of someone else's word, actions, denial or rejection. I am in control of the pain. (Or is the pain in control of me?)

I have put myself/my heart "out there", before making myself vulnerable for the "what ifs" in life or the "what ifs" with relationships with others only to have the door shut over and over. I do not make a good salesman; I do not take rejection to good after continual door slams. After a while the smell of the wood and paint of those slammed doors becomes a detestable stench that I can no longer stomach. So I go back to my home, retreat to my island and realize that I may have a life of unfinished business.

I do have a hope. A hope that my friends and family realize that I have a heart full of love and acceptance for them. A hope that God will refill my life with strength, with love and even with confidence so that when that day comes and I am called home that there will be less unfinished business in my life than I have today. I know that I could start again today to work on my unfinished business but today I am empty and wounded and need to be healed before I can continue to work on my life's unfinished business; there is always tomorrow.

Psalm 116 (NIV)
1 I love the LORD, for he heard my voice;
he heard my cry for mercy.
2 Because he turned his ear to me,
I will call on him as long as I live.
3 The cords of death entangled me,
the anguish of the grave came upon me;
I was overcome by trouble and sorrow.
4 Then I called on the name of the LORD :
"O LORD, save me!"
5 The LORD is gracious and righteous;
our God is full of compassion.
6 The LORD protects the simplehearted;
when I was in great need, he saved me.
7 Be at rest once more, O my soul,
for the LORD has been good to you.
8 For you, O LORD, have delivered my soul from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling,
9 that I may walk before the LORD
in the land of the living.